Reviews of Others B
For Eric Hui
Focus
To
be quite honest and blunt, Eric I don’t think you really worked that hard on
this assignment. (I know you don’t need to because you already have an A J
).There was not much improvement from the last draft. The focus of the paper
was good except for the whole rational choices idea. I was still left confused
at the end of the paper, wondering what rational choices had to do with your
passion. You need to either explain that more clearly or cut it out entirely
because it does not really strengthen your paper as it is right now. I
understood your passion a little bit better, but I could not determine if it
was from reading it a second time or from your re-writing. The beginning of the
second paragraph, “Before I discovered this passion…” is still unclear. You
have not yet made it completely clear what passion it is you are talking about
because I got the notion that there were many passions from the beginning of
the paper. Perhaps you can specify what the specific passion is you are talking
about, like this: Before I discovered my passion for… blah blah
blah. I felt like the meat of your paper, where you
really get going is at the very end of the second paragraph. I don’t feel that
your essay was as concise as it could be. There was a lot of repetition strewn
throughout the paper, and most of it was along the lines of: I want to make
this world a better place by providing healthcare for impoverished people and I
will do this through my business connections and job. You still don’t go into
detail about how you personally will bring about this change.
Organization
There
is so much repetition that I cannot make out a very decisive order of the
paper. The third paragraph from the bottom sounded a lot like a conclusion, and
I thought then that your paper was over. You start to sum up your ideas nicely,
but since it is not the end of your paper, it becomes repetition. A good plan
for your paper would be to first discuss the poverty and lack of healthcare
available to impoverished citizens, what Bill Gates does and how he inspired
you to take action (why he is your hero), and then last of all what your plan
of action is to change the world. In the third paragraph, at the beginning, is
where the bulk of your repetition is. You should combine these more in depth
ideas with the same ideas earlier in the paper to avoid repetition, and begin
the third paragraph with “As I explored my career options, I knew…” As far as
visual rhetoric goes, the pictures are nicely tied into the text with brief
captions. There is a variation of pictures and it is arranged nicely. Good job.
Flow
I had a hard time finishing your paper. You still have a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes that made me pause to fix the mistakes in my head. Also, at the beginning and the end especially, you say “I hope” a lot. This makes it sound as if it is just a wish and not something that you certainly plan to do. I suggest using a verb like “plan” to fix this. Once again, the whole rational choices ideas confused me as to what it had to do with helping people. In the fourth paragraph, you state that “By denying these people the basic human right to life, we are tacitly denying their rationality and in effect, denying their humanity.” I stopped and read and reread and reread that sentence probably 20 times and I still could not figure out what you meant by it. In paragraph three, you state that “As the wealthiest man in the world, Bill Gates has dedicated himself and his fortune to providing healthcare in underdeveloped countries and to increasing literacy and equality globally.” If you move the globally in front of increasing, the whole sentence will flow better and flow better into the next sentence. The first paragraph contains at least two grammar/spelling mistakes the caused me to have to struggle to keep going through your paper. This is the part that you want to be to most refined so that your reader is drawn in and doesn’t lose interest that early on. As far as I could tell, your punctuation was nicely done. You did not rely too heavily on one particularly form of punctuation, but you might want to try to add more dashes or ellipses or semi-colons, but only where they would be beneficial to the thoughts process of your paper.
For Law Tsai
Focus
This
is a VERY strong essay. All of the points made in the paper are relevant and
extremely clear. In the first critique, I suggested that you let your own ideas
take the “driver’s seat,” and you did just that. Your quotes no longer steal
all the glory. You did fix one of the unclear/unnecessary paragraphs to make
the essay more concise. However, I feel that you do not need the fifth
paragraph. This is the most superficial explanation of your journey, and as it
is explained, in depth, in the later part of your essay and at the beginning as
your thesis, I would delete this paragraph to make it more concise. I really
found little wrong with your paper and I think it is wonderful!!
Organization
You
organization was very appropriate for your paper subject. The body paragraphs
that gave the original draft a rocky reading have been corrected and effective
transition sentences have been added, giving the paper almost a flawless
readability. The visual rhetoric is integrated with the verbal rhetoric nicely.
The only thing to fix, as stated above, would be that fifth paragraph that kind
of throws off your organization, as it almost sounds like it belongs as a
conclusion. As I said before, I had a lot of trouble finding things that were
wrong with you essay.
Flow
There
is a lot of repetition with sentences along the lines of: “Within this stage,
the three aforementioned traits will be developed: compassion, duty, and
patience.” I know you want to reinforce to the reader what traits you are
focusing one, but by the 2nd time, we get it. At the very end, in
the sentence beginning: “It does not matter whether I will become a doctor…” I
literally paused to see if that was the right word. It seems that “profession”
is not the right word choice there, because you don’t “BECOME” a profession.
Four paragraphs from the bottom, the sentence “It is also during this topic
where
For Trevor Wood
Focus
The
suggestion that I made in the previous evaluation was to make the paper a bit
more personal, i.e. adding what you personally were going to do to cause this
change. That aspect has been played up more in the final draft and it is
absolutely wonderful!! The focus has become more concise, but I still feel that
the section entitled “Utopia” is a little repetitive. It is a great
introduction to the paper, you just talk extensively about the points that you
make in your paper, which makes me feel like I am being hit with the same
information over and over. Perhaps, you could combine the Homophobia and Sexual
Prejudice section with Utopia. This would give you a little different
organization (which I will discuss in the organization section). Overall, you
paper is wonderfully clear, easy to read, and extremely interesting. Great job
Trevor!!
Organization
I
love the fact that you have divided you paper into titles sections , which
break the paper up and gives the reader an idea of the main topic of the
section. The titles have changes since the first draft and have become more
effective at laying out the pathway of the argument for the reader. As your
paper is now, you begin with your personal experience, zoom back out to the
homosexual population at large, and then zoom back in to your own life and how
you are going to make a change. If you take my suggestion of combing the
Homophobia and Sexual Preference section with the Utopia section, you could
begin your paper with the homosexual population at large and the ideas society
has about them, then move to how those ideas have shaped you in the course of
your life, and ending with how your life has affected the decision you have
made to bring about change and what that change is and how you are going to do
it. As it is right now, because of the headings of your paper, the reader can
still follow your thought pattern effectively. My suggestion is just in order
to avoid some repetition of thoughts. Visually, the website is very well put
together and you have integrated your pictures very nicely. I only have 2
suggestions. First, you begin with titles for your pictures, but they stop in
the middle. You should probably carry the trend all the way through the paper.
Secondly, you just need to fix the spaces that have occurred at the end of each
page (as a word document). This visual interruption can lead to a mental
interruption for the reader. All in all, Trevor you do great work!
Flow
Besides
the visual interruption, I did not stop many times in your paper. My main
problem with the punctuation of your paper is the over use of semi-colons.
Semi-colons are only needed when you are trying to connect two very similar
thoughts, and in your paper they have been overused so much (some correctly and
some not), that they no longer become effective for the reader. In the second
paragraph of Why I Care, there is a run on sentence. “My classmates
occasionally called me gay; none of us knew what being gay meant, we only had a
faint impression…” “None of us knew what being gay meant” is a whole complete
idea/sentence on its own. It should be followed by a period, and not a comma.
In the last sentence of the last paragraph of Why I Care, you need to use
something other than another semicolon. A grammar issue is present in the
second paragraph of Solution. In the sentence beginning: “however, the limited
efforts of existing organizations…,” “to” should be “too.” At the end of
Homophobia and Sexual Prejudice, the last sentence, “Sexual prejudice is deeply
embedded in our society,” just seems to be dangling there. You have already
shown without a doubt that our society is deeply in embedded with sexual
prejudice. I’m assuming that the original intention of the sentence was to sum
up the section and to drive home a point, but that sentence is unnecessary, as
you have done both in the section already.
My
thoughts logically followed yours for the entirely of the paper. Your flow was
continued by topic sentences and transitions. Nice!
For Liz Wong
Focus
The
focus was always strong and clear to begin with. It has gotten better, but most
of the corrections and changes that were made improved the flow of the essay.
The opening of the paper has been scaled down a bit, and it long enough to
entertain and engage the reader, but not too long to the point the reader’s
attention is lost. The essay is very concise as far as unnecessary adjectives
and modifiers. The only section that seemed in the least bit redundant was at
the end of the second paragraph, where you state what the skeleton, skin and
muscles stand for. This has already been stated in the first paragraph, granted
you do go into more detail in the second paragraph. I suggest that you save
that detail for your body paragraphs, and eliminate the part in the second
paragraph, as to remove all hints of repetition. One of the strengthening
aspects of the paper was a brief sentence at the end of the body paragraphs
that sums up the information given to you over the course of the paragraph.
Liz, you are a great writer and this paper was fun and easy to read. There was
nothing that strayed from the thought pattern of the paper. On a smaller note,
at the beginning of the second paragraph, the first sentence: “In this manner,
I can carefully compose my life in the same way that evolution and God composed
humanity.” This sentence seemed a little out of place and left me wondering
whether I missed info earlier in the paper or not. As it is not necessary,
simply deleting it would make everything flow better and not leave the reader
wondering if they missed something. Overall, excellently written!!
Organization
The
paper still follows a specific organization patter that is laid out for the
reader within the first two paragraphs. The only suggestion that I had last
time was the combination of the two paragraphs about freedom, and the
suggestion was taken. As far as visual rhetoric, I thought the paper was so
strong that it could and did stand on its own. The pictures reinforced the ideas
that you were presenting and gave the reader a break from reading every once in
awhile to enjoy something more visually stimulating than words on a page. As I
said before, the intro is very intriguing, the
conclusion nicely wraps up loose ends while avoiding repetition, and each
paragraph centers around a center theme that is related back to the thesis by a
topic sentence.
Flow
The
punctuation is very good. The use of commas is correct and there are no comma
splices or commas used where they shouldn’t be. Sentences in the first draft
that caused the reader to pause because the flow seemed a little rocky (for
example: “Reading
novels and the news allows us to gain “an enlarged understanding of people we
don’t usually think of looking at,” as E.L. Doctorow noted.”) were fixed. On a
few minor notes: In the third paragraph from the bottom: “College is
already giving me a lot of practice for balancing my future: it has a vibrant
social scene, but you are also constantly being evaluated on your work.” You go
from “me” to “you” and interrupts the flow of thoughts
for the reader. Just change the “you” so it stays personal and fits with the
rest of your paper. In the next to the last paragraph, in the first sentence,
“outlines” should read “outlined.” In the third paragraph, beginning “