My Reviews of Others A
For Liz Wong
Focus
The writer establishes
what she desires to become and a good metaphor to fully convey her message to the
reader. The thesis, striving to create a “skeleton” of four different
characteristics, is clearly stated at the beginning of the paper and lays out
the plan of the paper for the reader. The writer brings in other sources and
ideas from other authors that enhance the ideas of her own paper. Each topic
stays with the focus of the paper – enhancing these four qualities. The
conclusion neatly summarizes the ideas that have been presented in the paper,
while at the same time is not repetitious.
Summarized thesis: The
writer wishes to “compose” herself as “skeleton” (character) based on freedom,
equitableness, calmness and moderation, and wisdom.
I especially liked the
beginning. The list of things we compose was interesting and made me want to
read more and know where the writer was going with the paper. The list,
however, was a little long, and my attention began to wane at the end. Perhaps
it could be shortened and still achieve the desired affect. I could not find a
spot in the paper where the writer strays from the focus of the paper, as every
piece of information was relevant to the ideas.
Organization
The writer has an
established flow. She opens with a very catchy introduction in which she grabs
the reader’s attention and pulls them into the body of the paper. The following
paragraph clearly states her thesis and establishes the metaphor/analogy that
will be carried all the way through the paper. Each body paragraph describes
one of the four specific characteristics the writer wants to come to embody.
The conclusion, through brief, wraps up the ideas of the writer without
repetition. The ideas and thoughts are strong and do not weaken the flow of the
paper. The only suggestion I have is in the third and fourth paragraphs.
Freedom has two paragraphs, while the other qualities only have one. Is there
supposed to be an emphasis on freedom? Perhaps the writer could combine these
two paragraphs into a single paragraph in order to carry this pattern on
throughout the paper.
Flow
The flow of the paper is
smooth. The organization of the paper lends itself to a smooth flow between
paragraphs. Clear transitions are present, decidedly
denoting which character trait will be the topic of the paragraph. The flow
within the paragraphs is smooth as well, although there area few bumps. In the
fourth paragraph, line 6: “I want to have an education in many different
subjects so that I can enter “with comparative ease into any subject of
thought,” as Newman says of an educated student. The sentence is wonderfully
written, however, I, as a reader, had trouble with the end “as Newman says of
an educated student.” For me, this interrupted the flow and the ideas, and is
not a necessary piece of information. Likewise, in paragraph 5, line 8:
“Reading novels and the news allows us to gain “an enlarged understanding of
people we don’t usually think of looking at,” as E.L. Doctorow noted.” The
ending “as E.L. Doctorow noted” is not necessary and interferes with the flow
of the paper. There are a few more spots like this near the quotes that could
be trimmed and allow for better flow in the individual paragraphs. Also in
paragraph 5, line 11: “This tendency against judgment is the way I want to
project myself to others in the future – being equitable to others will make me
a better listener.” The beginning of the sentence is a bit awkward and
distracts from the overall flow of the paper. To improve flow of words and
ideas, use a different word or phrase was used besides “tendency against
judgment
For Trevor Wood
Focus
The
focus of the paper stays on the topic at hand throughout the entirety of the
paper. The thesis of the writer is clearly established at the end of the first
paragraph. The writer focuses on his desire to create a world in which being
gay does not instill panic or fear in that individual. The focus is divided
into two main sections: Why I Care and What I Can Do. The personal details and
anecdotes make the paper more powerful and passionate. The conclusion
highlights the main points of the writer but is not repetitious in any fashion.
The main points of the paper were well laid out and communicated. The only
problem I had with the paper was the second part. It is entitled “What I Can Do,” but the writer never truly says what he can do
personally. A set of goals are presented, but the writer needs to say what part
he is going to have in making these dreams a reality.
Organization
The
organization of the paper is very logical. It is divided into 2 sections and
the thesis is communicated in the first. The personal stories in the first
section enhance the quality of the paper’s message The
second section enumerates on its title as well. The order of the paper is
developed and maintained throughout the entirety of the paper as well as each
individual paragraph. There is a question about the second paragraph in section
2. It seems that it has not clear purpose except expanding on the previous
paragraph. Joining it with the previous paragraph would bring more order to
that section and thus make the organization and flow better. The introduction
grabs the reader right from the start and gives them the information. There is
no guessing as to the topic of the paper, because it is given to you right
away. The conclusion ties both sections together and ends the paper concisely.
Trevor,
I thought your paper was fabulous! I really REALLY
enjoyed reading it!
Flow
The
flow of the paper was extremely smooth. Every sentence provides further support
for the thesis, and the diction of the paper is concise, not fluffy or airy. The
transition between the two sections was made easy by the transition, and the
flow within the paragraphs themselves was smooth. There are a few places where
the punctuation or grammar mistakes cause the reader to “bump,” but overall the
paper is smooth. Here are a few suggestions about these places. Second
paragraph, second line: “My classmates occasionally called me gay; none of us
knew what being gay meant, we only had a faint impression that it meant that
you were not normal—which was the greatest fear of any second grader.” The
punctuation of this sentence is rather odd. The semicolon, if used at all,
should be used between “meant” and “we.” Making the first sentence stand on its
own will spice up the sentence variety present in the paper. Fourth paragraph,
fourth line: “All human beings are constantly redefining themselves and
learning about who they are through their life
experiences, but for true self-discovery, you must be living a life relatively
free from the expectations and influences of others.” After the transition the
writer goes from “they” to “you.” There is a need to maintain one of these
pronouns throughout the sentence and the paper so the flow and the thoughts of
the paper are not interrupted. As a minor point, “societies” in the last paragraph,
3 lines from the bottom, should be “society’s.”
For Law Tsai
Focus
The
thesis of the paper is clearly established by the first paragraph. The author
wishes to focus on his/her transformation into a leader/hero. They will undergo
three different stages through which compassion, duty, and patience will be
developed, followed by the emergence of a leader. There are a few places, such
a paragraph 5, that are comprised of information that seems irrelevant to the
topic at hand and will have not affect on the effectiveness of the paper. The
literature that is cited is relevant to the thesis. However, I feel that the
literature and the ideas of other authors are “taking the wheel,” and the
writer’s own ideas are stuck in the “backseat.” The writer needs to let his/her
own ideas speak for themselves and not echo that of someone else. I understood
the focus of the paper, however, with the “backseat”
ideas and the unnecessary information, paying attention to and following the
essay were a little hard. The ideas presented in this paper are very strong,
but somewhat diminished by the above stated factors. With a little bit more
clean-up, the paper will be concise and well-written.
Organization
The
organization of the paper starts off clear. The introduction draws in the
reader with a personal example and then clearly delineates the path the paper
will take. However, around paragraph 5, random paragraphs with information
unnecessary to the ideas of the essay appear and throw off the organization of
the essay. It is there that I began having issues focusing on the paper and
understanding the ideas. I would reread (concentrating on the first 6
paragraphs or so) for information that does not enhance the meaning or
effectiveness of the paper, and then remove them to make the paper more
concise. Once these unnecessary paragraphs are removed, the organization will
be better. The rest of the paper follows the “journey” the author will take
transform into a leader. The transitions between paragraphs are effective and utilize
evident transitions. The conclusion is in fact satisfying, communication what
will happen to the author once he/she has undergone this transformation into a
leader. It is not repetitious and neatly ties up all the ideas presented in the
paper.
Flow
The
language used is clear and direct and easy for the reader to understand. The
passive voice is not used often, which strengthens the paper. The essay is not
filled with fluffy language that detracts from the meaning of the words
themselves. Good job! Transitions between paragraphs are present in the
beginning and end of the paper and make the flow from paragraph to paragraph
smooth. In the middle, around the third and fifth paragraphs, the transitions
are not clear and the ideas do not seem to fit in with the paper in the space
or at all. The flow begins to break down, and as a result, the ideas seem to be
lost of diminished. The 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence is
necessary, but when first read without the following sentences, seems
unnecessary. Add a transition to make the awkwardness disappear. As a minor
note, in the last paragraph, I would use another word besides “profession” in
line 6, because the writer will not “become” a profession.
For Eric Hui
Focus
I
had a hard time figuring out what the paper was really about. The thesis
presented in the opening paragraphs of the essay discussed the writer’s desire
to spread compassion around the world, but most of the essay was about human
being’s rational minds and his desire to integrate a business life with giving
to charities. Is that really showing compassion? The paper, if the writer
wants to show that he is truly compassionate, should focus on how he is going
to change the inequality in poverty. The “future looks bright,” but what is the
writer PERSONALLY going to do? In other
words, decide whether the thesis stated in the second paragraph is that one
that should be continued throughout the paper or if it should be changed.
Although the quotes themselves are not present yet, the ones the writer is planning
on using appear to be relevant and tie in with the tope discussed at the
moment. There are good ideas, they just need to be focused and refined a bit
more.
Organization
The
organization of the paper is somewhat convoluted. The repetition of many of the
ideas seems to make the paper spin in circles. The introduction grabs the
reader’s attention and draws them into the paper, but the conclusion does not
fully wrap up the ideas presented in the paper. When the writer states that he
will follow his “passion,” I am not quite sure I understand what that is. There
is a sense of organization in the beginning of the paper, but as it continues,
that sense of order is lost. Order begins to arise as the writer talks about
the projects and the mental processes he went through. On page three, the first
paragraph seems like it belongs towards to beginning of the paper.
Flow
The
flow of the paper was interrupted by grammar and punctuation mistakes that detract
from the value of the words on the page. Paragraphs two and five contain
punctuation mistakes and misspelled words. Go over the essay with a
fine-toothed comb to find all these small errors. These mistakes aside, the
flow of the essay was somewhat choppy. In the first paragraph, there is a
slight ^ between these two sentences: “In other words, I believe man controls
his own destiny. My outlook on life is that man’s existence is characterized by
his interaction with society.” A transition into paragraph three is needed to
connect the ideas and make the paper flow smoother. A lot of the paper is
repetitious in the ideas of wanting to spread compassion and combining business
with philanthropy, causing the reader to lose interest and interrupting the flow.
Paragraph four opens with “Doing Project 2 caused me to discover my
compassion.” This sentence is not only repetitive, but awkward. Rewrite it to
flow better and to contain more information, as discovering compassion has been
talked about before several times. In paragraph five: “However, I, among
others, differ from the masses, because I want to dedicate my life to help
others.” The idea at the end of the sentence is repetitive and the “differ from
the masses” convolutes the sentence. Try “However, I differ from the masses,
because I have want to dedicate my life to other by… (and
then say how).” It would be a good place to add how the writer is personally
going to dedicate his life to others.