My Advice to Others

Advice Post 1

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 19:54

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Forming great phrases or lines requires great creativity and much practice."

Garbear-

I loved your paper. The topic was exremely unique and you did a great job of telling the reader why David Matthews is a great man and writer. I loved the fact that you started with the lyrics of one of is songs and the fact that you incoroporated your story with his. A few ideas:

1. Cut some of the biography. Add more of why is he YOUR personal role model.

2. Could shorten the anti-human methaphor.

3. Forming great phrases or lines requires great creativity and much practice.

My suggestion: Change the "much practice" phrase and the repeated "great". Sounds a little awkward, but keep the sentence in the active voice.

Forming powerful phrases or lines requires great creativity and extensive practice.

Advice Post 2

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 20:06

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Pentz was born in Mississippi and spent his young life in various Southern states, where he was able to experience many different types of music."

Brad-

I loved you role model and I definitely want to learn more about him. I loved you unique and lively diction. It fits you.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Your paragraphs sometimes have choppy sentences that seem like the should be part of another paragraph in your paper. Some of these can be cut out altogether (the generalizations) and some just need to be moved to a neighboring paragraph.

2. Your conclusion is repetitive and unnecessary. Either incorporate new ideas or just cut it altogether.

3. "Pentz was born in Mississippi and spent his young life in various Southern states, where he was able to experience many different types of music."

My suggestion: The sentence structure, especially around the comma,  is a little awkward. I think breaking it into 2 sentence will make it flow better. "Pent was born in Mississippi and spent his young life in various southern states. There he was exposed to many different types of music."

Nice work. Just needs some more revising. Its key as Bump says!

- Megan G

Advice Post 3

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 20:19

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Rather, he is an instrument for social change, a leader in a social movement to rid the world of inequities. "

Eric-

I loved your role model. He definitely fits you. But there are a few things that I think you needs to work on.

1. Cut the OED definition. You went from a hot intro to well not. It completely stopped your papers momentum.

2. Cut the part where you reflect on the writing process we have been through in this class.

3. There are a few repetitive ideas in your paper. Make sure to cut them. It undermines the strength of your paper.

4. "Rather, he is an instrument for social change, a leader in a social movement to rid the world of inequities."

My suggestion: Get rid of the "Rather." It fits better with the sentence in front of it. Cut the repetition of the word "social." Is inequities the word you are going for or is it something more like poverty or suffering? "He is an instrument for social change, a leader in the growing  movement to rid the world of suffering."

Loved the paper. Just needs a few revisions. Good job Eric!

Advice Post 4

Law,

I thought that the diction in your first paragraph was very inspiring and attention grabbing. Nicely done. I had never thought of Teddy as a compassionate person but you definitely showed me I was wrong. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Some adjectives in your paper are unnecessary. Cut them if there are two that are describing the same thing in the saame way.

2. Your conclusion is a little weak and somewhat repetitive. Either cut it and add a concluding thought to your last paragraph or add some stronger, fresh ideas.

3.You lost my attention at trust busting. Why is that so important? Add different diction to hold my attention.

4. "The first component of Roosevelt¿s paradoxical nature deals primarily with his ability to express seemingly infinite and patient compassion for his people, surroundings, and country."

My suggestion: Component doesnt seem like the word you want to use here. "The first facet of Roosevelt's complex nature deals primarily with his ability to express seemingly infinite and patient compassion for his people, surroundings, and country."

Nicely done. Good writing.

-Megan G

Advice Post 5

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 21:18

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Because ¿we find all men of true feeling delighting to escape out of modern cities into natural scenery,¿ "

Mary,

You are a fabulous writer. Your word choice was impeccable. There were no unnecessary adjectives and adverbs and not one was repetitious. I also liked the rhetorical question you posed at the beginning. You may want to be careful though that the use of another might undermine the strength of your paper. Here are my suggestions:

1. You did a great job of showing that Gaudi is heroic, but why is he heroic to you. Why is he YOUR role model?

2. The beginning contains a lot of quotes and is a little too much for the reader to take in. Reread the intro and decide which quotes are absolutely necessary to your paper and keep those. Delete the ones that are not.

3. Because ¿we find all men of true feeling delighting to escape out of modern cities into natural scenery,¿ This sentence is kind of out there dangling on its own. It needs a little more explanation. My suggestion: Gaudi places his emphasis on the natural world because "we find all men of true feeling delighting to escape out of modern cities into natural scenery."

Loved the paper. Well written and well organized.

-Megan G

Advice Post 6

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 21:32

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Her show transformed her into one of the most influential celebrities in the nation giving her a spot in Forbes 400 Richest in America in 2004."

Pallavi,

I love the fact that your role model is Oprah. I also love the concise and to the point structure of your introduction. It is exremely powerful. Here are a few suggestions:

1. There is some unnecessary biography info that you can cut out. Anything that doesnt eventually have an impact on her character can be deleted.

2. Your middle paragraphs seem to be scattered and repetitive, but the ideas are necessary. Reread it to find where these need to be and strengthen the structure of your paper.

3. "Her show transformed her into one of the most influential celebrities in the nation giving her a spot in Forbes 400 Richest in America in 2004." The word infuential makes the sentence revolve around her influce and the spot on the Forber  list is about money. Either change the word influential, tie it to the list, or cut the info about the list out.

My suggestion: Her show has transforned her into one of the most influential celebrities in the nation. She has used her spot in the Forbes 400 Richest in America to help those around her, using her name to further the lives of others.

- Megan G

Advice Post 7

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 21:46

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "Luckily, the auspicious Raksha Bhandan festival was approaching, a perfect time to spread kindness"

Prianka,

Your mother is amazing. She is incredibly strong and a great role model for women and girls everywhere. I particularly liked your opening sentence. It grabbed my attention and I wanted to keep reading. Other than that, here are a few of my suggestions:

1. I think that if you used "I" when you are talking about yourself it will strengthen the connection between you and your mother.

2. The part the most obviously needs trimminig is paragraph decribing Pride and Prejudice. It is too much like a summary. Just hit the key points that are necessary to understanding why and how it affects your mother.

3. "Luckily, the auspicious Raksha Bhandan festival was approaching, a perfect time to spread kindness." I think that time can be replaced with a better word. My suggestion: "Luckily, the auspicious Raksha Bhandan festival was approaching, a perfect opportunity to spread kindness."

-Megan G

Advice Post 8

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 22:19

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "From hustling bets in the slums, to imprisonment, to becoming a leader of the separatist movement, and to becoming a proponent of equality, Malcolm X had made many enemies and was left with few friends."

Mauro,

Your very first sentence of extremely catching. I loved it. I also loved that you took on such a challenge as a role model. Dont let that come across in your writing. Write your ideas and let the ideas themselves convince the reader. Here are a few suggestions:

1.Your paper takes a shift after the concise beginning of your intro. The middle section seems to be weighed down with unnecessay details. Cuttiing these out would definitely make your paper stronger.

2. You have a mini argument in the beginning paragraph about whether or not Malcolm X was a follower or leader. It is confusing to the reader and not necessary. I am not sure that people would question his ability to think for himself.

3. "From hustling bets in the slums, to imprisonment, to becoming a leader of the separatist movement, and to becoming a proponent of equality, Malcolm X had made many enemies and was left with few friends." Forms of the verb to be weigh down this sentence.

My suggestion: Although he began as hustler of bets in the slums and prison ward, Malcolm X matured into a leader of the separatist movement and a proponent of equality."

-Megan G

Advice Post 9

Forum: P3

Date: Sun Feb 11 2007 22:05

Author: Gilbert, Megan  <meg.gilbert@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: "He follows a calling, different as it may be, and he follows it religiously in whatever situation it leads him to. "

Amanda,

I loved that your hero was so personal. You did an extremely good job on this paper. You elaborated perfectly on why Kenneth was YOUR role model. Beautifully written. Loved the use of the semicolon in the beginning. Here are a few of my suggestions:

1. The repetition of key phrases and names. In my Jane Austen TC she taught us to use that key phrase only once, when it makes the most impact and to reduce the repeptition of the names. It helpls to change the structure of the sentence.

2. Take out the part that says that he hasnt done anything great in his life. It seems like a safety net.

3. "He follows a calling, different as it may be, and he follows it religiously in whatever situation it leads him to." Seems a little awkward on the phrasing. My suggestion: "He follows a calling, unique as it may be, and he follows it religiously through whatever situations arise."

-Megan G